Evelyn Solis, M.A.
Eve can be reached at Counseling for Modern Life, (408) 246-3874 extension 12
Living with ADHD is no picnic—not if you are the parent of a child with ADHD, not if you have lived with it yourself, and also not if you are the non-ADHD partner of an ADHD-er. Anyone with this disorder has the traumatic experience of having been pinned with negative labels ranging from annoying and hard-to-live-with, lazy and unmotivated, brash and intrusive, unreliable and forgetful, stubborn and difficult, too intense and scatterbrained. Over time, you may have internalized these invalidating labels to the point where you see yourself in these ways—leaving you feeling ever more hopeless and defeated as you struggle endlessly to access the enormous potential you sense within you.
ADHD-ers have difficulties in school, in their jobs, in their interpersonal relationships even though their “high energy” style may initially attract people. However, the excitement soon wears thin, giving way to disillusionment and avoidance because of “low follow-through” tendencies. The result often is a series of relationships that are frequently superficial and ultimately dissatisfying. ADHD-ers, both children and adults, often have many acquaintances, yet few close, long-time friends and confidants because their weak memory skills, chronic disorganization, and distractibility quickly undermine the goodwill of prospective friends and partners.
Does that mean that receiving a diagnosis of ADHD at any age is an economic and social “death sentence”? That ADHD-ers are ultimately unable to learn consistent, appropriate life and work skills? That they will always struggle and not ever lead contented, stimulating, and successful lives? No, absolutely not! Having ADHD is not an excuse for anyone to claim life-long disability, use it as a defense for unethical/illegal behavior, to expect others to compensate for one’s irresponsible behavior, or to simply float through life in a haphazard manner. Individuals with ADHD need to work much harder at learning good organizational and interpersonal skills—just as a blind person needs to learn Braille and other crucial living skills to lead a successful life.
At the same time, many of the prominent characteristics of ADHD, which tend to be viewed as weaknesses by society at large, can also be perceived as personal strengths. Following are a few examples of how traits that may drive partners and parents of ADHD-ers up the wall at times are also qualities we all wish we possessed and could nurture with the help of well-meaning, positive and consistent feedback and support from the people in our lives.
Distractibility/Inattentiveness or Creativity?
The daydreaming, distractibility, and inattentiveness which are key features in ADHD are all closely related to the individual’s creativity. These periods of “absentmindedness” are not simply mental black-outs, but rather filled with a myriad of external and internal stimuli: sounds, sensations, thoughts, smells, sights, or memories. The ADHD-ers mind happily hopscotches back and forth between internal and external sensory data to create intricate webs of unusual, exciting, novel connections. Maybe innovative, new engineering designs or strange eco-solutions to save the planet, imaginary trips to far-off lands, and extravagant plans to conquer the world or terminal diseases are all products of an active ADHD brain. Many ADHD-ers can conceive of and juggle multiple tasks as long as they have a good support network to carry out the delegated tasks. Might such artists as Salvador Dali and Picasso, Da Vinci or Van Gogh, Beethoven or Einstein, Jules Verne or Louis Pasteur be diagnosed with ADHD today? What about Bill Gates, Steve Wozniak and Steve Jobs who hire thousands of employees to make their crazy, imaginative dreams become reality?
Failure to pay attention to details/Making Careless Mistakes or Divergent Thinking?
Many ADHD-ers experience significant difficulties with multiple-choice test taking and retrieving rote memorization information. Yet, many do well with open-ended test questions, free recall and brainstorming tasks as well as creative writing projects (with some editing help, of course). This type of mental processing is called “divergent thinking” which allows the individual to generate multiple, creative problem-solving solutions that non-ADHD people may fail to consider. These individuals may not do well as accountants, yet shine in activities and careers that emphasize unconventional problem-solving and innovation such as software programmers or designers. The career possibilities are endless.
Hyperactivity or high energy, tirelessness, and zest for life?
Many individuals with ADHD are outgoing, friendly, gregarious and exhibit an infectious enthusiasm that can provide the spark and spirit for a party or family gathering, a crucial company project, or to gather support and funding for important research. With guidance and support to provide structure and harness the intensity, hyperactivity can be the dynamo driving the successful athlete, scientist, business executive, etc. One might wonder if superb athletes like Carl Lewis or Magic Johnson and manic comedians like Julia Dreyfus, Robin Williams, or Jim Carrey could possibly show some ADHD traits?
Impulsivity, undiplomatic, bluntness = spontaneity and sincerity/honesty/ frankness
Yes, ADHD-ers often “leap before looking and don’t stop before it’s done”—and often too late to undo the damage they inadvertently and unintentionally inflicted. Their direct, heart-felt bluntness can sting those of us who prefer indirect, politically and socially correct manners and communication styles. AND, they also can be valuable catalysts for action to those of us who complacently or timidly wait for someone else to get their hands dirty. Their openness, sarcasm and biting satire can often hold a mirror to our apathy, smugness or jadedness. Would John Lennon, Winston Churchill or George Burns, Mike Wallace, Joan Rivers or Whoopi Goldberg be interested in taking an informal ADHD screening?
Excessive talking, blurting out answers, disruptive or expressiveness, enthusiasm, challenging?
Without trying to minimize the frustration we feel when there is always one member of an audience or team who footnotes every comment by others, insists on speaking out of turn, or doesn’t know when to stop the monologue—there is a positive side to such behavior! Many ADHD-ers have brilliant brains and often are three steps ahead of anyone else in their thinking process. If they were to submit to social convention and not interrupt others when their ingenuity erupts they would forget the brilliant idea and thus deprive the world of potentially life-saving truths or simply enjoyable chatter. Furthermore, recent research on the concept of “eminence” showed that geniuses and highly intelligent people rarely have congenial, jovial, or humble personalities! Let’s ponder Jay Leno, Napoleon, Jack Nicholson, Nostradamus, Rosie O’Donnell, Tom Smothers, or Socrates for possible ADHD candidates, shall we?
Stubborn, headstrong, brash or courage, determination and persistence?
Those of us who live with ADHD or with someone who has ADHD know very well that sometimes, it almost takes a set of “jaws of life” to pry an ADHD-er away from a stimulating video game, the constant visual/ auditory onslaught of a TV, their latest obsession with a hobby or project. Without such wholehearted, singular ability to focus and tune out the rest of the world many historical, medical, and scientific breakthroughs would have never happened! Think of Alexander Graham Bell, Thomas Edison, Louis Pasteur or Paul Ehrlich (who discovered the first compound to arrest syphilis), Einstein, Marie Curie, and Margaret Thatcher.
Melodramatic, emotional, extravagant or sensitivity and generosity?
Would gifted actors and entertainers be as fascinating and mesmerizing if they didn’t possess a highly developed degree of sensitivity that allows them to probe the breadth of their emotional scale to give us unforgettable moments with their artistry? Why do we enjoy Shaw’s “Pygmalion” if not for it’s emotional drama and extravagant, fairy tale type of story? Would Jack Nicholson, Judy Dench or Anthony Hopkins be as enigmatic and brilliant without their intense ability for melodrama? What would Cher’s extravagance be without the playfulness and spontaneity so typical of ADHD-ers?
Irresponsibility or tolerance and forgiveness
Living with an ADHD-er confronts us daily with their frustrating tendency not to follow through on tasks or commitments, to forget important deadlines and anniversaries, to lose the mail or paycheck, letting the dog eat the homework, and so on. On the bright side, many of them are probably acutely aware of human foibles—very likely because they get more negative labels pinned on their lapels that most other people! Their struggle to maintain some sense of self-esteem and self-efficacy may well sensitize them to other people’s weaknesses because it is in recognizing one’s own struggle in the other human being that we learn forgiveness and tolerance! When we walk a mile in someone else’s shoes we become compassionate fellow travelers in life’s journey!
Fussy, picky or choosing carefully, discriminating?
No, ADHD-ers are NOT fussy eaters, overly sensitive wool-haters and picky window-shoppers! They have exquisite, self-defined style, a discriminating palate, delicate skin that picks up on minute sensory stimuli. And, they choose merchandise carefully and agonize over choices because, after all, quality is important! After all, they have heard it demanded by others about themselves forever! They might as well begin the process of quality improvement in the things that really matter to them: their food, their unique, dramatic and creative style of mixing and matching their clothes or decorating.
Lack of self-confidence or humility?
Our culture places great value and emphasis on building self-esteem and self-confidence and often perceives humility and authentic self-restraint as negative attributes. Clearly, feelings of shame and inadequacy need to be remedied with the help of encouragement and learning good interpersonal and time management skills to prevent further emotional pain. However, healthy self-esteem involves not only a strong I-can attitude, feeling good about one’s person as well as feeling loved and cared for by others. It entails recognizing one’s strengths and potential AS WELL AS one’s challenges and limitations. Not all of us will be brain surgeons or rocket scientists, and a realistic appraisal of our abilities is not evidence of low self-esteem, but rather an authentic, kind affirmation that we are unique, special, and capable of living up to our innate potential with the talents we have.
So, to all the ADHD-ers and those living with them: Work hard and play hard—lighten up. It takes everyone’s talents and foibles to make life an excellent, stimulating adventure!
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thank you for this very insightful and helpful article!